she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
