just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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