you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
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He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
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