Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
