Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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