Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
