In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
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