He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
