it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Randomize
