You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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