My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
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