sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
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