this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
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