my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
