wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
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My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
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AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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