And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
