barbara walters just said penis...
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize
