I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
i guess it's bad bediquette to quote the kool aid man
?
he said oh yeah and i responded with OHH YEAHHHHH!
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
