this beer tastes like vomit already
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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