I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
