you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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