i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
