i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
