How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
