woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Randomize
