My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
