Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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