I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
