Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Randomize
