I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Randomize
