just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
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