Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Randomize
