If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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