i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Randomize
