I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
