I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
