i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
