$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Randomize
