Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
