Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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