i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
