No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
