moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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