I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Randomize
