Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Randomize
