i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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