she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
if only i could text you this smell
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
