Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
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