when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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