sooo how much is appropriate to spend on a vibrator? what if it is really legit looking?
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Randomize
