He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
