i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
