don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
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