There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Randomize
