There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
We have started to decorate penises.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Randomize
