Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
