If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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