My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Randomize
