I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
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