Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
