i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
