Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Randomize
