If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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