Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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